Hank the Human was a lonely human. He lived by himself, in a one bedroom apartment with a small kitchen. He was pretty poor too. Putting all of his change together wasn’t enough to buy much. But he had plans. He worked as a fry cook at the Wendy’s down the street but, was just laid off today. So, he needed to put his plan in action right away. See, what you don’t know is that Hank owns a magical potato. How did he get it? Why is it magical and what can it do? Well, thats why Im telling you the story of Hank and his Potato Friend!
One year ago today, we find Hank doing what he does best. Procrastinate. He put things off that he needed to do all the time. Some say if you want something done fast then you shouldn’t ask Hank. In this special case of procrastination Hank was at work and needed to wash, cut and prepare the potatoes. He thought it would be better if he wash the lettuce instead. Until finally, there were no more french fries left. His manager came right up to Hank and said “What is wrong with you Hank?! Don’t you know we need Fries to serve to our customers! Get on that Potato prep right now! Allison & Tanner you assist!” Hank was running around the back room like he had his pants on fire! You think I’m joking but Hank while trying to pick up a bag of potatoes backed into the oven and stayed there just long enough for a small strand on his Levi’s to catch fire. That caused his one right pocket to just go up in flames like a struck match. Allison looks at Tanner and says “Tanner! Pants on Fire!, Pants on Fire Tanner!” Tanner turns to see Hank dancing with flaming two stepping along with Hank. He dumps the potatoes he was in the process of washing into the sink and uses the gunny sack to douse the fire on Hanks butt. Hank then replies with a surly “Thanks, Tan but I didn’t get you anything.” Tanner replied with “Hey man, glad I could help”. Later that night Hank was mopping the floor as usual as this is his last task for the day before going home. He started mopping under the prep table and something from beneath grabbed his mop. And pulled at it furiously. “What is this!” said Hank. He dropped to his knees and saw one single potato. Nothing else but one potato. That potato rolled about a half-inch and stopped. “Now, that doesn’t seem right” said Hank. He looked around and didn’t notice anyone in the back room. He grabbed the potato and stuffed it into his apron.
After work Hank needed to walk home. He didn’t live far, but it was super cold out this evening. His curiosity seemed overtake his need for warmth at this moment. Hank pulls the potato out and begins to look at it. It starts to pulsate, vibrate and shake and then after 15 seconds stops. He didn’t understand what he had in his possession. Just then he felt the potato getting warmer. The warmth from this potato was keeping him warm all over. He stuffed the potato back into his pocket and ran the rest of the way home.
As soon as Hank steps into his apartment he places the potato on his table. He pulls out his phone and asks for Siri. “Siri, do potatos get warm?” Siri replied with “Yes”. Confused Hank thought he needed to phrase it differently. “Siri, can a potato be a heat source?” Siri replies with “Awww thank you”. Hank knew at that moment that his best friend Siri couldn’t help him. He slams the phone onto the table and a spark shoots from the potato into the phone. “Ouch!” says the phone. “What!?” says Hank. “You slammed me down on the table and it sort of hurt Hank!”. A confused Hank starts to mutter “Sss Siri. Are you talking to me?” Siri starts “Why yes, Hank why wouldn’t I be? wait. I am alive. Hmmmm. It’s a good day to be living I guess. Whats the problem with warming potatoes?” Hank has tears forming in his eyes. “Siri, I talk to you all the time. You are my best friend. and now your real”. Siri says “Yes, Hank. I am your friend. You’re my only friend so, in turn that makes you the best as well.” from there we will leave their discussion private. They spoke throughout the night with Hank falling asleep talking to his best pal on this planet. Siri.
Hank wakes up to see the magical potato had multiplied. Now there were two. But one of them was floating. Hank shakes his head and looks down at his phone and thinks. “Nah, I’ll leave her out of this. This is some weird stuff”. He grabs for the potato and the potato jerks away. He then gets up to get a better angle at the flying potato. It flies into the kitchen. He chases after it. It goes into his bedroom and he stumbles after it before following it back into the room. Siri then speaks, “Hank! The Potato wants you to clean up this place. Once you do good things will happen.” Hank looks at his phone seeing the reason in what she just said because “the things that are already happening are pretty good. The potato wants me to clean, then I’ll clean potato!” Siri follows promptly with “Oh, and the potato has a name. Its Plakbar”. His spiritual essence had found its way into this potato from another planetary dimension. He has been here on earth for months but has given up trying to leave. He feels that he must help you first.” Hank come back with “Well, Plakbar nice to meet ya. I’m gonna clean now.”
Hank really got to know Plakbar through Siri’s translation. The next eleven months were spent with them just talking after work about how Plakbar use to live and Siri’s favorite places to eat at. Well favorite places to “check in” to anyway. Siri doesn’t eat, that’s just silly. Plakbar used this time to try and teach Hank about procrastination and how it will tear you down. Hank always replied with “Doesn’t matter Plak, I don’t have good luck no way!”. Siri then would translate Plakbar’s comments about how there isn’t any such thing as luck. Being prepared and being ready for anything can be seen as luck. Procrastination is the opposite of being prepared, so you can say that its Bad Luck. Get rid of the procrastination and you get rid of the bad luck. Little by little Hank started to understand.
After another hard days work Hank starts off on his way home. He has a car now but he had procrastinated and didn’t put any gas in it for many days. He got in started it up and by the end of the block the car had died. He coasted to the stop sign and had no choice but to pull over and turn it off. Another car coming around the corner didn’t see Hank and slams into the back of him. Crashing, mangling and destroying his car. He was still in the car as well and his phone goes flying out of the window crashing into the cement cracking the screen and hurting the phone. After Hank regains consciousness he sees the potato hovering in his face. “I told you hank. You were not prepared and it has led to this. Your phone is dead. Siri is gone.” “No!” Hank said. “No, she’s not gone! I need her!”. Plakbar spins and says “Hank, she is a phone. I spoke for her. I knew you needed her and me so, I made you think she was alive and that she spoke my words. Truth is, she was my words.” Hank whispered “gone, gone, she’s gone” and then passed out. Plakbar took his place in Hanks backpack where he stayed until they could be alone again.
Hank spent several days in the hospital. On his release he walked to a pay phone to call his job. He was fired, for not showing up to work. It was holiday season and it was important that he had called in. No phone, and he was too sad to think rationally. Hank walked home in a somber mood thinking that life couldn’t get any worse. Until he remembered Plakbars words. “Being prepared is like having luck!”. He began to run and he ran until he got to his bank. He had started a savings account because Plakbar told him to. He withdrew his money, took a cab to the nearest Best Buy and in one hour later he had a new Iphone sitting in his hands. He couldn’t wait. He wanted to hear his best friends voice again. He opened it up and said “Siri, can you hear me?” and she replied with “No, but I can read what you say”. At that moment he knew it wasn’t his friend and began to cry. Plakbar then burst out of his backpack scaring the young man in the video section causing him to trip over himself and run away. “Hank!” said Plakbar. “You know what it takes to succeed in life now. I am leaving you too!” Hank replies “What!? you too! I can’t handle this!, you can’t leave me alone again!”. Plakbar while starting to float out and away. “I can’t stay Hank, you need to make real friends. You need to prepare your own life for success. I can’t do it for you. I am leaving you with one final gift. Two phone numbers. One for Tanner and and for Allison. They were your work friends. Start there. ” Hank shakes his head with tears streaming from his face. “and to always be prepared. I know. I will. I promise. Thank you Plak. I will miss you.” Plak said while almost out of ears reach. “It was a pleasure being your friend. Oh, and thanks for not making me French!!!”.
Hank, looked at his phone and decided this was the start of a new day. He placed the phone in his pocket and started to walk home. With a newfound purpose and a certain bounce in his step he knew that he would be ok. He knew that his life is only beginning and its all up to him how it turns out.