For most of your life you’ve had to find ways to deal with your own anger. Most of my life I’ve had to deal with other’s anger not only my own. That immediately brings up the question “why other’s?”. To answer that I can only say that I’ve always had better luck calming others down and using those techniques on myself. That and I’ve been good at it. So, why not?
We fear what we don’t understand. What we don’t understand is anger. So, would that mean that we are afraid of being angry? In a sense, I think we are. In some situations we are afraid of what we might say or do which can in turn fuel more hatred. Getting mad is the start of a brush fire and if you keep fueling that fire than you will end up having a forest fire on your hands. The key is to squelch the fire once it is started.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha
Please, don’t misunderstand me. Holding in things that make you angry is bad. You have to meet your anger head on. But, you should not do this while being in the state of hate. You will calm down, and once you do that is when you tackle the situation. You might have to come back to the situation a couple of times before it is truly dampened. The problem is most people will calm down and decide to do nothing about the cause because the confrontation leads them back to the angry highway and they just want to move on. This will only cause more problems to build and grow. When a similar cause upsets them it will be twice as worse as it should be only because they didn’t resolve it to begin with. Have you ever seen someone flip out and yell at an inanimate object? Yeah, that is a result of built up anger issues.
Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. -Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
You cannot tell someone NOT to get angry. It is their right as a human being to express this emotion. They can express it all they want. Now, if they project their anger towards you and/or displace their anger onto you only then it becomes the problem. Why? Because now, you have 2 upset people instead of 1. Anger can grow faster than the weed’s that sit in your front lawn. Our most aggressive emotion becomes the hardest one to keep at bay.
1. Acknowledge your anger
2. Check for displacement. Are you getting mad at someone because somebody else made you upset to begin with? Displacing your anger can lead to more problems than you think. Mind,body,soul,relationships…
3. Ask yourself if it is something that can be controlled?
a. If it is something that is controllable: what can you DO to make it a non-issue for you. (in the realm of reason of course) Also, can you keep this from happening again? Through calm confrontation or discussion.
b. If it is something that cannot be controlled: Just realize that you cannot control this and you have to find a way to move on positively.
4. Move towards a resolution. Everyone wants to be content. Find the root problem of your issue and deal with it now. Give yourself 30 minutes before any confrontation with a person. If you are still just as angry in 30 minutes maybe you need to dig a little deeper for the root cause. Look within yourself to start with.
5. Understand that you will get angry again if this isn’t handled properly. You don’t want this. If it’s a person then talk to them, and if it’s an object then talk to the person that controls the object. If it’s neither, then accept it. “yes, this does make me mad. but in the end It is what it is…”
6. write me a check for helping you. Ha! just kidding! No, seriously if you want to give me money I’m cool. Ha! just kidding again… let’s move on.
If you frequently get upset with other’s then I would offer you a suggestion. Place yourself in their shoes and see the world as they see it. Empathy for the person making you angry will help you tremendously. If it’s something you can’t do, don’t be surprised or frustrated. Most people have forgotten to use empathy to get through things. “You have to re-learn what you have learned”. It can be hard to do for some people but it does work.
There are those that thrive on anger to help them through the day. Yes, that is a problem. When things become stressful or uneasy the anger will help them make decisions and move towards resolve. These individuals will have a hateful moment and then immediately progress into a somber attitude as if it were nothing. I would have to say that Hate is being used as a crutch and it will only consume the user in the end. Find an easier way.
“It’s always the quiet one’s you need to watch out for” -unknown
How true is that quote? Pretty spot on if you ask me. There are those that don’t get mad or upset a lot. Those are the people who tend to hang on to the anger a bit longer than others. Anger is power. The lust for that feeling not often felt can be like a non-addictive drug. They will hold on to that feeling for as long as they can or until they realize what they are doing. After it has left they don’t want it back again. I have to admit. I can fall into this category at times. I’m constantly trying to make myself better, but when I’m angry it’s hard to talk myself down.
Anger is the only thing that holds us back sometimes. It keeps us from getting what we really want other times. But one thing that is certain about this emotion is that we need it when speaking to bill collectors.
We all get angry, it’s just how you let it affect you that will determine the person you are. -John Dixon
- Anger Management (socyberty.com)
- The Death of YOU (griefrevelations.com)
- Anger Management Techniques for Women (thinkup.waldenu.edu)
- Topic #219 Can anger be constructive Topic submitted… (tercessociety.com)
- What bad consequences does anger have? (sharinhislove.wordpress.com)
- ANGER Management – the myth that venting is a solution… (chicagolandcounseling.wordpress.com)